So, my professional adventure kicked off at 19 years of age. Bluebird House, where I worked as a Health Care Support Worker, is a medium secure adolescent forensic mental health hospital. This place was dedicated to adolescents grappling with severe mental health challenges whos risk behaviors were unmanageable in a prison setting. There I encountered inspiring moments of kindness and compassion, but, unfortunately, also faced some truly difficult and traumatic situations. The emotional weight of those experiences left a lasting impact.
To cope with the intensity, I often sought refuge in nature. There, I’d immerse myself in my surroundings and enjoy moments of solitude. However, the peace I found in those natural retreats turned out to be temporary and somewhat illusory due to the lack of guidance.
Transitioning into roles in community mental health and later the Emergency Department at University Hospital Southampton, I found myself dealing with the complexities of providing care in high-stress environments. Looking back, I certainly did not have a full grasp on how emotionally taxing working in emergency settings is.
Things took a significant turn in 2016 when, as a student paramedic, I encountered a powerful mix of significantly traumatic events, toxicity, frustration and disappointment. As a result, a shaky sense of self-worth became a constant companion. Thoughts of death and distorted perceptions of my achievements haunted me. The struggle persisted, the trauma kept loading up and by November 2017, after completing my paramedic training, I experienced a “breakdown”. My thoughts and communication had become toxic, taking a toll on relationships and my sense of self.
Despite external validation from mentors, colleagues, family members and loved ones, all things which had kept me going through innumerable previous challenges, I felt truly alone.
I felt as though I had no way to form thoughts enough to begin to think about how to communicate the things I had experienced to others. Something I knew would help to alleviate the extreme sense of isolation I felt at the time. The desperately longed for change felt out of reach.
The next several months was the nadir of my existence and defined by feelings of guilt, failure, fear of myself, shame, heartbreak, grief, self admonishment, regret and self loathing.
I began to understand, through the fog, that my relationship with myself was the concrete foundation the un-contestable strength of the negative perception that I held. In small increments, I undertook my journey to change diminish that strength. I was responsible for healing my trauma.
The sum of that experience of healing my relationship with myself, based on organised reflection and psychological, biological and physiological education is what I aim to deliver to others through providing my services.
The expertise is not my own from research or academic education, but rather from wide reading, rationalisation, practice, evaluation and feedback. I draw on conventional psychotherapeutic models, published research and medical understanding, bringing them together to form understanding of what emotional trauma is and how the body and mind responds.
After commencing and continuing my healing journey, and being assisted by many individuals along the way, I have achieved my goals. I am authentic, able to initiate and maintain healthy boundaries and be compassionate without becoming exhausted. I am able to protect myself from burnout, compassion fatigue and moral injury. I am able to healthily advocate for others and for myself. By achieving these things, I have made a significant and tangible positive difference within my own world and the world of others.
The heady mix of self empowerment, responsible self education, experience, passion and awareness makes me ideally placed to speak to other professionals within the industry and aid them in beginning to build their own resilience.
Resilience ReWired 